I've decided to redo this whole blog thing, simply because of the fact that I think I went about the last one in a very immature sort of way. But here I am, starting again. Why? Because I want/need the support of my Brothers and Sisters in Christ. (And, for obvious reasons, since I have never been blessed with the gift of speech, the best way I can go about doing this is writing).
For those of you just tuning into my whole 'College Experience', I have changed my major, numerous times. It went a little something like this (and this is going back to like, my first dream job from when I was little):
Artist -> Pastry Chef -> Youth Ministry -> Psychology -> Neurology -> English Education -> Social Studies Education -> Neurology -> Public Relations and Advertising -> Missions -> Social Studies Education -> Youth Ministry -> English/Law
Now that I am at English, I plan on sticking to it (with the exception of officially changing to English Education and Pre-Law when I *possibly* come back to school in the Fall.
What it all boiled down to is that, I initially came to OC because of a few reasons:
- My parents felt more comfortable sending me off to college at 17-years-old if I went to a Christian University. So, out of respect for my parents.
- I had wanted to go into ministry, which is something I don't want to do anymore (for reasons I will go into a little later).
So, here we are. A semester later. I know what I want to do and I don't even for a second regret my indecision. I can even sight a reason now for WHY I am not a Bible major anymore, which is what brings to play this 'cry for help/prayer' if you will. (My reasons/paragraphs are numbered).
- Ever since I can remember, I think I've always doubted the power of God. I came from a home that in most ways was ideal, with the exception of a particularly venomous and toxic member of the family, who moved out my Freshman year of high school. Even now, my family is still recovering from the aftereffects of her behaviors. I guess somewhere deep down I think: 'If God were truly powerful, why would my family still be in pain over this? Isn't He supposed to help to heal stuff like this?' Though, I can't speak for my parents or older brother, I know that I am still hurt by the woman's behavior. I'm scared of turning into her when I get older.
- I've also always viewed prayer as a bit of a 'vending machine' of sorts. Like, if I don't get a definite answer, I feel like God's failed to answer the prayer properly. Though, there have been a few occasions when I thought God said yes, acted on it, got hurt, but have grown up because of it.
- There's also the simple matter of having a person in my life. I have no idea why he's in my life, but my life has improved greatly because he has been in my life. I've known this person since the start of my high school career, and his name even means 'gift from God'. Though, the catch is that he's not the most godly man in the world. I'm constantly striving to provide a godly example for this man, who, in all other respects, is wonderful. Even marriage material in my book. Except for the whole God thing.
- I just don't get the Bible. I don't understand what it truly means to be a Christian. I thought I knew. But apparently not. I feel I probably would of been more comfortable pursuing a Bible degree if I knew what it meant.
- I just don't trust Him enough. I have a good friend who is a Youth Ministry major at the same university I attended, and several months ago we were discussing about how some people don't see ministry as an actual 'career'. I don't think I could trust God enough to provide. I barely trust Him as it is.
I just need help. I don't necessarily want to major in Bible again. I just know I need to improve. This is the first time I've been comfortable enough to basically say this:
Hi. I don't get something I've been taught my entire life. I have never trusted God like I should, but I want to. Are there people willing to help support me as I go back to square one?
